I haven't taken a shower for almost 72 hours. My bed has been a total mess for more than 48 hours. I feel shitty as hell and the last thing I wanna hear is ten thousand reasons why I shouldn't feel shitty.
I know that I shouldn't feel crappy because I have food and shelter and that if I just applied a mind-over-matter solution I'd feel better. But, I'm just not in a very good mood to go beast mode just like I used to during a workout or after a work out. I CANNOT GET MY SHIT TOGETHER at the moment! And you know what? That's fine because I'm f*cking human. I'm all about cleanliness and orderliness but for the last 72 hours, I just could't find the will to do the dishes nor my laundry. I left the dishes undone on the kitchen sink for two nights in a row. That's not me! Those who know me are very much aware of my OC-ness. But every now and then, I'd go on this vicious cycle of questioning everything to the point that I'd feel powerless so I'd just shut myself in my room, turn off my phone and make sure the windows are shut for few days in a row. I'd also eat an assload of unhealthy food, binge-watch and sleep (or wake up) at an indecent hour of the day.
I wasn't able to sleep at all the whole Friday night. I just tossed and turned on my bed. In an attempt to reset my body clock, I went out at a little after 5 AM last Saturday, had coffee while looking at the mountains (it was awesome!), did a little bit of groceries and went back home around 9 AM. I fell asleep at 11 AM and woke up at 4 PM. I can't even remember what exactly I did after waking up, I probably cooked something because I'm always starving when I wake up. Nevertheless, I still feel powerless.
I felt sleepy around 10 PM that same day, so, I went to bed. It's rare for me to be in bed before midnight so I feel so proud of myself as I was tucking myself in. I woke up in a fetal position from what I thought was a good 8-hour sleep. I stretched a bit and checked my alarm clock, it was 1:30 AM (on Sunday). I didn't even sleep for 4 hours! But I felt so awake and I was hungry again, so, I scratched my head and headed to the kitchen. I was greeted by the undone dishes. I also realized that I left my laptop on. Apparently, I was watching a movie before I felt sleepy that Saturday night. So, I continued watching it while eating and having instant coffee.
I'm not always like this.
But there are times when I would be like this. I just can't help it. I need to feel this way so I can appreciate what it's like to be okay. I need to be NOT OKAY sometimes. However, there are situations, events or even people that would rob you off the right to feel down. I've been having these episodes of roller-coaster kind of feelings ever since I was a teen maybe. But the episodes got closer to each other in my early twenties. Back then, I didn't have my own life yet. I was under someone else's roof so I had to play by some sort of rules. I am not allowed to feel shitty simply because I am not homeless and I am not starving. So, I kept thinking something is wrong with me for feeling down when I've got no reason to. Back then, I'd sleep for incredibly long hours whenever I'd get a chance to. And I'd often get yelled at for doing that (which makes me feel worse). But sleeping was my escape from my crazy negative thoughts that time. Sleeping was the only thing I can do to shut the voices in my head telling me "I'm down, I'm hopeless, I'm depressed, I'm useless and I'm powerless".
All I can think about back then was that I fell in some kind of a shithole that stretches for nobody knows how long. I didn't know how I got myself out of that shithole back then, but, as I grew older, I read a lot about it ~ about feeling depressed. I've learned about how most people actually feel that way but can't express it because just like me, they feel like they have absolutely NO REASON to feel that way. Guess what? Depression knows no age, gender, nationality or social status. It could hit anyone. Yes, anyone! Another thing that I've learned about it, it does not hit you once and then go away forever. It comes back. It haunts you over and over.
Why do some people get depressed? What triggers it?
It could be anything. Or nothing. That's what fascinates me actually. Some people go through depression because of a heartbreaking moment in their life. It could be loss of a loved one, divorce, breakup from a long term relationship, unrequited love, getting sacked, not getting enough recognition, poor grades and so on. But have you heard of anyone going through depression when they already have almost everything in their lives? Awesome job, nice car, huge house, super active social life but f*cking depressed? It happens ~ trust me. They might have a crazy social life, that's an attempt to cover up shits. Why would people think you're depressed when you're well-dressed and partying like shit, right? Well, that's the best way to avoid being questioned. No one would think you have suicidal thoughts when you look damn good on the outside. A depressed person would put on a facade or a wall.
You'd never know what it feels like unless you've been through it at least once. I salute those people who are bold enough to say they don't feel good, they feel shitty as hell and that they need help. That's basically what they need - HELP! A huge part of that help should come from the person himself. Realizing that you need help and that you're not okay is just the beginning. Second thing is probably realizing that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. It's easy to think that nobody gets you or that you are just making a big fuss out of something. That's a lie! People go through shits, life is not always about rainbows and ice creams and chasing butterflies in a meadow.
Now, for those who don't have the slightest idea about what I'm saying, it will be best not to tell a depressed person "You shouldn't be depressed!" or "Snap out of it!". That won't do the trick. All you can really do is SYMPATHIZE. Maybe you haven't been depressed at all (good for you!) but you don't have to rub it off a depressed person's face. At least show that you care and that you are aware. Denying it and pretending it does not exist would only make it worse. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Maybe you are friends with a depressed person or maybe someone in the family is. You don't have to hide it from the public. You don't have to be afraid of what others will think. You should care more about how your friend or family member could recover from it. Fuck what other people would say! Instead of giving a snap judgment or a lecture about why they shouldn't feel depressed, ask what you can do to help. Because that's what they need, understanding, compassion or at least sympathy. Let them know and let them understand that they don't have to be alone or feel alone in it. Because that's how they feel - ALONE!
People have different ways of coping up with life's challenges. Some are damn good at it, others are not. If you can take on challenges like it's a game, good for you! But I just have to ask you to show some respect to those who are not as strong as you. Taunting them might send them at the ledge. Are you ready to see them jump off? What you can do is stretch out your sturdy hand to them. Ask them to take it and let them know you won't let them go. It will take time for them to think of getting off the ledge, but they would.