I’m not sure if this is the effect of watching “A Little Bit of Heaven”, “Unfinished Song”, “Passenger” and “Now is Good” but the idea of preparing myself for my death and accepting death as a natural thing couldn’t be easier. I’m sure some people would say these are probably ‘suicidal thoughts’ or whatever, but come on! Wanna hear some extreme truth? We will all die. Not all at the same time maybe, but we will all head there. If it scares you, I’m sorry about that, but it will happen.
Have I always been brave enough to talk about death? Big no! I’ve developed several phobias while I was growing up – fear of dogs, fear of drowning and fear of growing old to name a few. I used to be scared to die in any of these forms. I had a nightmare about my ‘funeral’ back when I was in high school and I woke up howling because it seemed so real. I was howling because it doesn’t seem fair that my life would just suddenly end. I was thinking I still have so much life ahead of me; I don’t deserve to die at the age of 13. I can’t accept that I will lose everything I have - my family and friends and all the material things I used to love. Death used to be a horrible thing for me. But when did I have a different point of view?
Probably when I got my personal relationship with the Higher Power, I started to realize, little by little, that death is part of life. And that it’s okay. People react differently in the face of a death of a loved one. Some could easily move on and let go, but there are some who find it impossible to do so. The people who were left behind might spend months or years of mourning. But is that what the person who passed away wanted? Do they really want their friends and family to suffer so badly after they’re gone?
If you have read ‘Tuesdays With Morrie’ you’ll probably like the idea of his living funeral. To those who haven’t read the book, the living funeral is what Morrie asked everyone he knows to do for him. He thinks it’s nonsense to say all the crappy things that people say during eulogies because the dead person can’t hear it anymore and worse, he/she can’t react to whatever crap you’re saying. So, he set a day for people to come to his house and everyone said everything they want to say to him. People sang, read poems, laughed and talked about his life during the ‘living funeral’. He knew he was on a clock and he was wise enough to do whatever needs to be done. He prepared himself for his death. And, he prepared everyone else for his death.
In a way, people whose lives are numbered are quite lucky. Lucky, because, at least they have even the slightest idea of what’s gonna happen to them. It’s their choice whether to start living life to the fullest or to lock themselves in their rooms and shut the world out until their time’s up. I know, we can’t always rely on science, doctors can be wrong any time. Even if a doctor says you only have 2 months to live, there’s still a possibility that you could last for 2 more years or just 2 days. Another extreme truth is that we don’t know when exactly we are going to die. Even those sick people, they know they are very weak and they feel that they won’t last long but they can’t say “Okay, I’m outta here by Friday at 4:15 PM”.
Why am I saying all these all of a sudden? Well, not really all of a sudden. Because for years, I have been thinking about what it would be like without me…what would the world be without me. I just haven’t thought about it out loud because DEATH is taboo, it’s dark and it’s not good. I read somewhere that “Life is hard; death is easy” and I somehow agree with it. Maybe that’s why there are people who commit suicide; they got the whole world or galaxy upon their shoulders and they can’t bear it any longer so they choose the easy way – death. But those who are strong enough, they choose life. They are what we call survivors.
But what if we are given that chance to know when our time here on earth will be over? What would we do or would not do? I think most of us have that great faith that there would be tomorrow because we still prepare for tomorrow’s task, tomorrow’s meal and other things in the future. But what if we can actually mark the day that we’ll leave this temporary home? What are the things that you would want to do until that day comes?
I’m fond of making lists – from short and long term goals, realistic and crazy dreams, things that make me twirl or melt…everything! And as I age, I go back to these lists and assess myself. At times I cross out things that I have already accomplished or fears that I got over with. Maybe making death wishes could just be one of my posts here in my blog, but I have this tiny hope that this could help bring peace to whoever cares about me if ever I leave this world with or without further notice. I don’t REALLY have to do them ALL, but doing even some of them would bring me that peace and joy that I might carry to the other side of this world...you know...when I walk into the ‘light’.
I wanna make an impact on people’s lives. I feel this sense of accomplishment every time I help someone. I try to start with people around me but hopefully one day I could fulfill my not-so-impossible dream of going to an orphanage and donating my time or money or whatever skills I have to the unfortunate kids.
I also want to actually do that ‘demo CD’ that I’ve been imagining for the last I-can’t-count-anymore years. That would be another step towards one of my biggest dreams. Once I do that, then I could proceed to the next step. OR not! Haha! Maybe that’s all I wanna do...or something greater than that, I actually don’t know yet.
I bet most of you are familiar with the 7 Wonders of the World, yeah? Well I used to see them in my text books when I was a kid and I’m lucky to live in a time when these 7 Wonders are chosen by normal people via text votes. Well, I just wanna see these 7 Wonders, maybe not all but as much as I possibly can. Or even just one, that’d be enough! I wouldn’t know how to strike a conversation with the Higher Power once I finally see Him for real, so, I’m hoping that talking about His greatest creations MIGHT be a good ice breaker. What do you think?
Of course, I wouldn’t want to leave this world knowing that the people I care about would have a hard time letting go of me. So, maybe I want them to have a mini-training of living a life without me. Haha! I just want them to know that I’m always trying to live a good life; I put my happiness above other ‘important’ things that this world tells us about - like job, money or a secured future. I never really put those on top of my lists. So, I may not look happy and I may not sound happy all the time, but I am. I am happy with the life I am living. It is mine, well, it was lent to me by the Creator so I can spend it with good people and create awesome memories that hopefully would last a lifetime. Only thing I want from them is to keep me forever in their hearts, that’s it!
I just hope when they think of crazy, funny and out-of-this-world thoughts or impossible things, they would think of me. I mean, who else would write about Death Wishes on her birthday?